The Next Day...After A Bad One

"The artistic template is the way to pursue your own sanity. It's not like a job, but it is a format in which to live. It's spiritual work. We apply ourselves for life as making music and that keeps us happy. Without that we would be lethargic and confused. It's a form of finding yourself and a strata of values within the world." - Emil Amos

Courtesy to Mr. Hamslice for the quote above.

Yesterday was a bad day.

I wasn't sure why. It didn't really make any sense. I had a good time in DeKalb the night before. I need to figure out why it was a bad day.

I wasn't planning to go to DeKalb, merely because I didn't really enjoy the guilt I lay on my own shoulders knowing that I should really be studying. But I only study 3 hours a day. I didn't really study that day. Instead I dedicated all my focus and determination to trivial matters like cleaning the house, cleaning my room, frying chicken, folding laundry...things I know could've waited. I'm supposed to be just focusing on studying and working out. I didn't even work out. It's like trying to lose weight but not really doing anything, not really modifying my eating habits and physical activity level to do the job. I have a goal, but I'm not really doing anything, I'm not really staying committed to the steps to do just that. But it's not like I've never done it before. I've made progress. Definition: RELAPSE.

I need to get back on track, and I have...today. Well, yesterday.

I went to the Skokie Public Library...it was closed. I drove out to Evanston Public Library and studied for an hour until it closed. Then walked to Barnes & Noble for another hour to finish reviewing Week #2 Flash Cards. I did what I had to do.

And then I finally hit up Crossroads Clothing, a fancy-schmancy second-hand store like Plato's Closet. I picked up $50 worth of clothing only to realize I didn't have enough cash nor my credit card to pay for it all. I put it on hold. I felt like an idiot. I felt like a timid, soft-spoken idiot. Not that being timid and soft-spoken is a bad thing. The feeling of idiocy came from the fact that I know I didn't really possess such characteristics, at least not on a normal basis (only when I feel like it, really). So it didn't make sense because I wasn't myself. I wanted to cry. I felt like a big baby.

After Crossroads, I walked all the way to my car, in the dark. I felt like I was pulling a "Bella" from when she jumped off the cliff...for the sake of being in danger. I walked east in the dark, by myself. I looked back a few times, just to make sure no one was following me. Even if there was, I thought, I wouldn't run. I'd walk slower. I wasn't about to take the chance of slipping on ice. I'd walk towards Danger, look at it straight in the eye and wait for something painful to happen. How depressing. What is wrong with me?

I got to my car safely. I wanted to call someone, and talk to someone, and make it all go away, but I didn't know who to call. Then I realized I didn't want to call anyone anyway because I couldn't even figure out what the problem was.

If there is no problem, how do I figure out the cause? All I have are the signs/symptoms. Nothing else.

When I got home, I tried watching comical shows like "The Office" and "30 Rock" to bury the darkness. Darkness only got darker. So I went to bed at 9PM.

Today will be a better day. It will because I will make it. I've been at the library since noon. I will stay until I finish what I came here to do. And then I will go to Crossroads, then church at 5PM, and dinner, then hopefully catch a movie. Maybe "Brothers." Maybe "Up in the Air." I'm determined to make this a good day. I'm determined to make myself laugh. Because my yesterday was a sad, sad day. And I am tired. I'm still tired from being sad all day.

I think it was because, I started to re-evaluate my life. Who to surround myself with, to grow. Who will not take my friendship/love for granted. Who will reciprocate. It's like running a marathon when you're not even being timed, when no one else is running it. Or committing gluttony knowing very well what the consequences are. Like not drinking water the next day after a night of inebriation. Stupid, stupid ideas that should not be entertained.

Bows. Exits. Makes crazy, loud noises.