"monica lobo likes to go out in the rain to hide her face."

I walked in the rain today. To Wal-Mart. Because I was craving a cookie.

I'm mathematically/theoretically supposed to be over you by now. I probably shouldn't have even tried to "stay friends." But I'm not, and I did. And so, here I am, exactly where I left off.

Is it so bad to love someone you shouldn't? Or is it worse to wish that you can stop loving that person. Just so it'll finally stop hurting. Or would it hurt more to never feel what it's like?

I can't say I know to answer to that. Even if I've felt the latter. But I can say it hurts just as bad. Because either way, I'm in a place where there isn't anyone or anything in front of me. Just myself, and the very idea of it, all over again.

Only this time, there's all these memories attached to it. Memories I've tried erasing...over and over and over again. And it's not like I want to forget. It's not like you meant nothing to me and everything that we've been through was bull shit. Because to me, it was real, so real they're all so clear to me. Maybe not in order, maybe mixed with both memories and things I wish would've happened. But they're still there. And I guess I've come to the conclusion that, for it to stop hurting, for me to be okay, I need to get rid of them. Somehow. I don't know how. I don't know how to replace them with other memories.

One of the girls I went out with last night felt the need to make out with a guy. She made it her goal. Even if she's hurting. Even if she's in love with someone else. She felt the need to do it because she felt as if it was the only way. By the end of the night, nothing had changed. Sure she has that memory and proof that she made out with someone else, but that didn't matter. None of that kind of stuff ever...do.

When two people break up, it becomes some kind of race. Whoever moves on the fastest, whoever goes out the most, whoever starts dating someone else first, whoever is strong enough to completely cut off and forget the other person, whoever doesn't feel, whoever doesn't think, whoever doesn't act...WINS. Listen to each other. How is that winning? How is that anywhere close to the idea of feeling triumphant? It's cold. And bitter. And inhumane.

But yet, it's what we do. It's what we all choose to do. For sanity. For revenge. For the sake of feeding our egos. It's a sick world out there...hook it up with some Advil.