Love Me More

I'm not gonna lie. I really do miss you. Like crazy, in fact. More than I let myself believe. And it sucks, and I hate it. To want you to be in my life. To need you to be in my life. But I guess it's that "want" and "need" that fools us all. Because I really don't. I really shouldn't. I'm better off this way. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. And I honestly feel like I've convinced myself that it's true.

I really do miss us riding in the same car, burping out windows. I miss going for walks, or getting ice cream, or just talking to you on the phone about how my day went. I miss the messages you would leave me, and hearing from you every morning and every night. I miss the concept of being in a relationship, of having a boyfriend, and actually knowing that it's all true, all real. But maybe that's what ruined me. Maybe that's where I got lost. Because it got to a point where that's all it was. Me, being in a relationship, with you. Not two people doing their thing, the way they knew how. It became me, wanting to be with you, all the time. Sure I still reached my goals and accomplished my daily tasks, but it wasn't the same. I wasn't me. I honestly can say that I didn't know who I was at one point. Or rather, I had forgotten.

And as much as I miss you and want to keep talking to you and keep you in my life? I miss me more. And I know exactly what I need to do to get me back. It'll consist of cutting you out of my life. It'll consist of me suppressing my feelings for you, and the fact that I really do love you and care for you in so many levels. It'll consist of me, lying to myself, and fooling the world around me. And as much as I loathe the mere concept of pretenses, it's gotta be done. It's gotta be practiced, and believed, and preached to every other girl who is going through the same thing as me. I miss me. I miss reading in cafes over raspberry mochas. I miss going to the music section of a bookstore and getting lost in the musical geniuses of people who once got their heart broken...of people who fell in love...of people from all over the world. I miss having a clean room, and doing my nails, writing and taking pictures. I miss my family. This has all been such a huge part of me up until you walked in. And I'm not blaming you. If there's anything I want to say to you right now, it's that I really am thankful that we crossed paths. No matter how brief, and emotionally draining. Because now? Now I can look back and know what it feels like to fall in love. And no one, and I mean no one, can ever take away what we had. I love you and miss you...but not as much as I love and miss me.

This is the part when I focus on getting me back, and refrain from the thought of trying to get you back into my life.