Victims, Criminals & Outlaws

Definitely going to make an effort to blog more often. Even if it doesn't make any sense. Not to you, not even to me. Point is, to try to make sense of things. I have to try.

While reading "Still Life with Woodpecker" by Tom Robbins, I ran into this excerpt that I couldn't resisting typing out:

"Victim? The difference between a criminal and an outlaw is that while criminals frequently are victims, outlaws never are. Indeed, the first step toward becoming a true outlaw is the refusal to be victimized.

All people who live subject to other people's laws are victims. People who break laws out of greed, frustration, or vengeance are victims. People who overturn laws in order to replace them with their own laws are victims. (I am speaking here of revolutionaries.) We outlaws, however, live beyond the law. We don't merely live beyond the letter of the law--many businessmen, most politicians, and all cops do that--we live beyond the spirit of the law. In a sense, then, we live beyond society. Have we a common goal, that goal is to turn the tables on the nature of society. When we succeed, we raise the exhilaration content of the universe. We even raise it a little bit when we fail."

When that whole thing happened...when I chose a guy over my best friend...my whole world fell apart. But it was inevitable. It was bound to happen. It was a friendship that ended up doing more harm than good. It was a friendship comprised of illogically high expectations and a flowing river of insecurities. Don't get me wrong, I love that girl to death, but we were dealing with a situation where...someone was bound to get hurt. I know you don't understand it, and you're probably judging me at this very moment, and I don't blame you. I would've too. But I've also come to a point in my life where I know and religiously believe that there are underlying reasons people do what they do. And so I ask you, to give me the benefit of doubt in this case. And if you're unwilling? That's fine, too. I'm not here to persuade you to believe anything. I'm here to tell my story.

My point is, when that happened, she often assumed that I was "playing the victim." I didn't understand what that meant really. I was "playing the victim" by trying to save our friendship? I was "playing the victim" by asking you to take the time to talk to me, for us to resolve this, just me and you without anyone else's input? I was "playing the victim" because I fell in love? I didn't get it. The phrase, itself, made no sense to me...especially when I was the one it was targeted towards.

Maybe that's why that Robbins' excerpt hit home.

victim is defined as an unfortunate person who suffers from some adverse circumstance

Sure, in that scenario, I was unfortunate, and I had to suffer the pain & heartaches of losing a friend. But what gives you the right to claim that I was "playing" that part? Like our friendship didn't mean enough for my actions to be genuine? I don't think you got it. I don't think you understood that I felt something too. That you did mean a lot to me. I wanted to fight for that, I wanted to hear exactly what you had to say and hope that you'd listen to me too. But you refused. You wouldn't let me. Your pride was far too important to fight for this one. And I know you were hurt, but I was hurting too. And I wish you took the time to at least hear me out.

So maybe I was an outlaw for "refusing to be victimized", for living beyond the law, beyond society, and disposing of and ignoring the ever so popular "chics before dicks" rule. Maybe I did it to change how and what people think of that rule. That you don't know until you're in the situation. And that I am fully aware of and comprehend it, but refuse to abide by something I don't believe in. Not anymore. Not in this case. Not when the other person, doesn't fight back.

Because in the end, I am alone. I'm fighting each of these battles on my own. And you know what? If I'm going to fight, I might as well fight for something I believe in.

I believe that I deserved to know what it feels like to love and be loved. I believe that a friendship worth fighting for, is a friendship where both sides are present. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe, that I'm standing where I stand right now, without you as a friend nor him as a boyfriend, because it was crucial for me to learn how to survive when I lost you both.

And if the world feels that they can so righteously point fingers at me and patronize me for "playing the victim", so be it. In this case, I'd much rather be the outlaw...for I feel that I have "raised the exhilaration content of the universe", even when I failed.