The Secret Epiphany

The other day I failed what would've been a turning point in my life. I looked at the eye of the tiger, and instead of giving it my all and fighting it like I've never fought before...I surrendered and walked away. And it's not like I didn't prepare myself. I knew where my life was headed and I did all I could, when I could. But it wasn't enough. Not because my efforts were insufficient, not because I didn't want it bad enough. I failed because I wasn't in the right state of mind. I failed because I wasn't ready to face all the glitz & glamor that was involved in succeeding. I failed because I was scared to succeed.

I felt myself failing. Don't get we wrong, I didn't walk in there hoping that I would. In fact, that was the exact opposite. But I didn't hold onto that hope/belief of succeeding tight enough. Something else was on my mind. My range of view was occluded with something unexpected. Something I thought I had taken care of long ago.

And you wanna know what the funny thing is? I cared more about keeping you in my life than anything else. I couldn't care less how others would perceive me, how my actions and thoughts would be frowned upon. All I knew was that...at this point in my life? I have absolutely no idea what to do with it. One thing for sure, I wanted you there. I wanted you in it...in whatever shape, way or form I could have you, I wanted you in it.

Time and time again I've watched and sympathetically listened to people and their past relationships...I've gotten the hatred and hostility that negatively flowed out of the tones of their voices. I played receiver, involuntarily, catching every ball thrown at me...just waiting for a tackle. I don't want to play that position. I want to fumble, if it means letting you win a little, if it means that I can get my friend back. The guys are gonna hate me, and I'll probably get a lot of shit for doing it. But maybe, just maybe, I was never built for this type of game to begin with. There is no pride, there is no ego. Not with you.

All I'm saying is...I don't want my source of happiness to be the system, the matrix, the directors of "The Truman Show." I'm sick and tired of playing their game, living by their rules, allowing them to define my own sense of happiness and well-being. Maybe I had to fail, to figure out what winning is...to me. And you know what? Seeing you today, for that brief encounter, was the closest thing I've come to my own definition of "winning" in a long time. That's when I knew it was for real. When something just as mundane as "getting coffee", becomes a part of the definition of my happiness. Do come back.